To cut a long story short

On the left there are few more heinous social floaters than to be outed as liking a Tory pop star

Posted by Graham Martin on October 28, 2011. Filed under Graham Martin,Opinion. Posted with the tags:Culture, Rogue Reporter
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Comrade Hadley: It's True!

It’s a pure sickener when it happens.

There you are, dazzling, and I mean DAZZLING, whatever company you’re in about the cultural weight of Spandau Ballet and how that swooping, chasm-vaulting note Tony Hadley hits in Only When You Leave is worthy of a night on BBC4 all to itself.

Just that one note, all on its own. It’s perfection. Shut your face, I know I’m not alone in thinking this. I… can’t be.

Anyway, there you are giving it yahoo about the Hadster when it happens. Someone says it.

“Tony Hadley’s a Tory”.

That’s you nailed right there You are about to say something fascinating about the synth line from The Freeze and maybe finish up with a gag about Steve Norman’s bongos – but there’s no point in going on.

“He is, he’s a Tory. Stood for them at the council elections.”

You just feel so dirty and so wrong after it’s happened, like you’ve just allowed Fraser Nelson to have a fly peek at your bum (it’s that posho voice. Sooo sexy! Say it, Fraser! Say it – say Michael Geowve. Phwoar), let Frank McAveety have a chomp at your pie or have eaten a soggy Cupids nibble.

(Look, if you want up to date topical, go elsewhere – if you want pie jokes, then, well…. good).

Because, on the left, I’ve found there are few more heinous social floaters than to be outed as liking a Tory pop star. Really.

And there’s always someone in the company that knows these things – someone who, somehow, has a acquired an accurate and intimate knowledge of the political preferences of every British pop star since The Thompson Twins (supported the SDP) and Marilyn (political soldier wing of the NF).*

Now, I suppose the big question we must ask is why any of this matters.

But I’m just here to make pie gags, I’m not a blimmin psychologist, so the simple answer is, I don’t know – but I do know that we on the left like our celebs.

Think we’re above all that? Piffle. Witness the pub popularity of the parlour game I like to call “his da’s a Tankie”.

Basically, it involves making up spurious leftie pasts for any number and combination of more or less random celebs. It tends to happen in that wonderful space between the fourth pint and waking up outside a 3am-licenced pool hall with your pants in a Greggs poke and your shoes full of tears.

And it’s great. It goes like this: Noel Edmonds? His da was a Tankie.

Pete Waterman? Was in the IMG in the 70s. Judy Finnegan? Her granny got squashed by a scab tram during the General Strike.

The origins of this game lie in the fact that we like nothing better than pointing out the real lefty pasts of people in the public eye.

And while there are some unlikely famous punters who have dallied with the left in the past – people you wouldn’t normally associate with the socialist movement like former footballer Alexei Lallas, straining on a jobby Newsnight anchor Gordon Brewer, right-wing SNP baldy odd-bod George Kerevan, Mussolini and Tommy Sheridan, there aren’t that many, so we make up our own for a bit of fun. And comfort.

And I think we crave even the pretend endorsement of celebrities because we want to be like everyone else. It gets isolating, trying to change the world, often in the face of mass disinterest. We need our points of connection.

I’m sure it was always like this. I’ll bet the Bolsheviks had some magic nights on the sauce, talking shite like: “Isembard Kingdom Brunel? His da was a Chartist. Prime Minister Peel? His uncle was in a Fourierist phalanstère. Here, does anyone know if the Odessa pool hall’s still open till 3?”

And then it would have happened. There’s one wee Bolshevik, and he’s having a great time, waxing lyrical about his favourite music hall star, Boil On The Bum Bertie. He’s captivating his audience as he eulogises about Bertie’s routine where he knocks the gendarme’s hat into a passing poo truck.

And then someone pipes up. “Boil On The Bum Bertie? He’s a Whig.”

And do you know who that someone was? Yes. It was Stalin.

Stalin, the original Tankie.

So, basically what I’m saying is that if you criticise Tony Hadley, you’re worse than Stalin. You MONSTER. And I refuse to believe Tony Hadley’s a Tory anyway. Shouting ‘Google it’ won’t help. He supported Liverpool City Council in the 80s, I’m sure he did. A guy in the pool hall said so.

*Er, Marilyn’s lawyers: joke, right?